TIRED OF PLAYING CAT AND MOUSE?

Don't ignore the signals. Don't look away and pretend that it will be different this time.

I have been with my partner for 25 years. Luckily I can say that I am deeply in love with him. Not many people can say this. Not many people can say this of their partner after a year, two years, five years or even ten years. Why is this? I believe communication takes over by emotional games. That's simplistic I know, but without effective communication you cannot know what your partner's needs are nor can you express your own needs. It is a wonderful feeling when each partner has the freedom to communicate their needs and wants in an atmosphere of complete trust and respect.

However, sometimes communication becomes obscured, omitted, deleted, side-tracked, pushed aside for a rainy day, closed or distorted. These games do not end up with a 'win win' situation.

For example, I have crossed paths with many people who suffer relationships problems and one of them is particularly a harmful and emotional game called 'Cat and Mouse'. You may be familiar with this game and may have heard of someone you know who has played this game. The rules of the game are quite simple. However, be aware there are dangers that lurk once players are engrossed in the game.

Two people play this game

   1. The Victim 

   2. The Narcissist. 

Note: outsiders are not welcome.

The victim and narcissist meet and everything is running smoothly; the victim feels happy and content and sees the relationship is developing. They do things together, they go out to parties, they meet family members, they meet each other's friends etc. The victim feels 'in love' and at times the narcissist reciprocates this by being charming and sweet. As time goes by, the narcissist wants to know 'who was that guy/girl you were talking to?' or 'where have you been'. The Victim feels they cannot go anywhere without being cross examined nor can they confide to anyone outside this relationship because 'they wouldn't understand' or it will 'hurt their partner if they found out'. The narcissist  sneaks behind the victim's back and all the while expect complete loyalty from the victim. The narcissist treats their victim like a precious gem one day, then turns around with suspicious comments and emotions that tear the victim's heart apart and causes confusion. The victim tries to please the narcissist, who just smirks at their own power.

When the narcissist feels they have complete control over their victim, they desert the victim; usually finding another person to gain control over. The victim left behind tries to find some time to get over them and to find inner strength but finds this extremely difficult because the narcissist keeps in contact. They keep in touch often enough to unnerve the victim. They throw another carrot in front of them to make them feel there's still hope in the relationship...jiggle the bait a little ... the victim feels they can almost reach it but the Narcissist pulls back. When they think they have punished the victim enough and see that they have almost pulled themselves together, the narcissist comes back with all charm and the roller-coaster ride starts again. The game starts again. And again. And again. Sound familiar?

This game is not 'love'. Realise this is a game that you can never win. Don't ignore the signals. Don't look away and pretend that it will be different this time.Narcissist are crafty and chose beautiful people who are loving, kind, giving and very trusting, forgiving over and over and over again. 

You can stop playing this game. Don't be a victim. Believe in yourself. When they come back - realise the narcissist is playing this deadly game with the same old tactics. Notice I said 'when' not 'if', because if they have this personality trait they will come back. They will not change. 

What do you do? Here are some vital steps.

Step 1: Self awareness. You need to change. Know that walking away from this game has meant that there are now some thoughts and behaviours that you have taken on that are not healthy. You may berate yourself, blame yourself, hurt yourself, condemn yourself, feel sorry for yourself, feel lost and confused - these are actions and emotions that result from the control and manipulation of a narcissist which need to be removed and replaced by healthy thoughts and behaviours. So how do you start re-thinking your thinking and changing these patterns?

Step 2: Talk to a counsellor and get the support of your friends and family to help you become strong and stand firm. This enables you to have the power to walk away from the emotional draining game forever and not fall prey into another narcissist who wants to play the game of 'cat and mouse'.

Step 3: Love yourself and enjoy your own company. Love your own skin and enjoy time by yourself before embarking in another relationship. This is important. 

Step 4: Do something good for yourself. Make a list of things you want to achieve on your own and do it!

I am not a counsellor, a psychologist, nor am I in any medical field. I have been a by-stander of loved ones and friends who have fallen victim to the the cat and mouse game and I can safely say that there is light at the end of the tunnel.... but not with a narcissist.